As you enter into the planning process, you may find it helpful to remind yourself why we have funerals. For thousands of years, funerals have been a means of expressing our beliefs, thoughts and feelings about the death of someone we love.

The Funeral Ceremony:

•  Helps us acknowledge that someone we love has died.

•  Allows us to say goodbye.

•  Helps us remember the person who died and encourages us to share those memories with others.

•  Offers a time and place for us to talk about the life and death of the person who died.

•  Provides a social support system for us and others friends and family members.

•  Allows us to search for the meaning of life and death.

•  Offers continuity and hope for the living.

One of the most important gifts of planning a meaningful funeral is that it helps you and your family to focus your thoughts and feeling on something positive. The funeral encourages you to think about the person who has died and to explore the meaning of their life and the ways in which they touched the lives of others.

The remembering, deciding and reflecting that takes place in the planning of the service are often an important part of the process of grief and mourning. And ultimately, this process of contemplation and discovery creates a memorable and moving funeral experience for all who attend.

Planning a Funeral is a Privilege:

 As you consider the funeral, try to remember that planning the funeral of someone you love is not a burden, but a privilege. Think of the funeral as a gift to the person who died. It is your chance to think about and express the value of the life that was lived.

This is not to deny your need to mourn and to embrace painful feeling of grief in the coming days. You may feel deep sadness as you plan this funeral and begin to acknowledge the reality of the death. But when all is said and done, you will also feel deep satisfaction that you have helped plan a meaningful tribute to someone who has meant a lot to you.

Making The Initial Decisions:

 As you begin to discuss service options, you may be faced with the conflict of honoring the wishes of the person who has died as well as you own wishes as survivors. While it is natural to want to meet the requests of the person who died, do consider changes or embellishments that will be helpful to your family. Remember-funerals are for the living and if you have a need, now is the time to express it.

Choosing Someone to Lead the Ceremony:

 The person who leads the funeral service is usually the single most influential person in this process. So, you want to be sure that this person is open to meeting your unique family's needs and to personalizing the ceremony as much as possible.

Experienced funeral leaders (Typically clergy) often have certain ways of doing things and may feel constrained in their ability to go outside the bounds of their liturgical tradition. Often the faith's prayer book and church rules and traditions dictate service options. But a religious service doesn't need to be an impersonal, cookie-cutter service straight out of the prayer book. Talk to your clergy person about appropriate ways of personalizing the ceremony. Perhaps special readings and music can be added.

What Kind of Service Will You Have?

You can choose from a variety of funeral service types and formats. Let me remind you that there is no one right way to have a funeral. Just as grief has many dimensions and is experienced in different ways by different people, funerals will be unique also. A funeral should simply “fit” the person who died and the family and friends who survive them. Feel free to honor the person who died without following rigid rules or being worried about “what usually done.”

General Service Types

•  Traditional Funeral Service:

A service held in the presence of the body, with either an open or closed casket. A member of the clergy usually officiates and the service is held two or three days of the death. A visitation period often precedes the funeral. The service is usually held in a church or funeral home. There is usually a religious message to the ceremony. After the funeral there may be a procession to the grave site or crematory, where a brief committal service concludes the ceremony. The family can decide whether this should be public or private.

• Memorial Service:

A service held without the body present (though the cremated remains may be present in an urn). Disposition of the body may take place either before or after the service. Some are not held until weeks or months after the death. The service may be religious or non-religious. There are many different types of memorial services and they may be held in funeral homes, churches, private homes, community rooms or outdoors.

•  Celebration of Life Service:

Such a service vary widely in content and format, but they tend to be more personalized and more upbeat. The only rule seems to be that no rules apply.

•  Committal Service:

A service held at the grave site or chapel, before the body or urn is buried. The committal is usually in addition to a funeral or memorial service and is the occasion at which those in attendance say their last goodbyes. The committal service is often brief. However, if this is the only service to be held (grave side service), this may be more lengthy and include additional elements of ceremony. Children often find this helpful in that they are able to see where the body goes.

What Will Happen to the Body?

The family must choose not only the type of funeral service to hold, but also what will happen to the body and where it will be laid to rest.

•  Embalming:

Is how the funeral home temporarily preserves the body of the person who died, so family and friends have time to prepare and gather for the funeral.

If the body is to be buried or cremated within a day of death, or you choose a memorial service format with no body present, embalming may not be necessary. However, since such speed is not always practical, embalming will allow your family time to plan and carry out a meaningful ceremony.

When possible, I encourage families to spend some time with the body. Over and over again, families tell me that spending time with the body helped them come to terms with the death and begin to make the transition from life before the death to life after the death. Although it can be emotionally painful, time spent with the body is usually extremely healing in the long run.

Even in cases where the body is not viewable (due to severe trauma), I still encourage families to spend time in the presence of the closed casket. This helps them acknowledge the reality of the death and say goodbye in a more personal, real way .

•  Cemetery Burial:

Perhaps your family already owns a cemetery plot where this person will be buried. If not, maybe you've noticed a nice local cemetery. Your funeral director will know which cemeteries are nearby and would best meet your needs .

•  Entombment:

It is placement of the casketed body in an aboveground structure called a mausoleum. Usually takes place in a cemetery, when the casket is placed in a crypt and the front is usually sealed with either marble or granite.

Many families choose burial or entombment because it allows them to visit the grave site as often as they would like. This helps them continue to feel close to the person who died.

•  Cremation:

Takes place at a building called a crematory or crematorium. Within the crematory is a special cremation chamber, or retort. The body is placed in a cremation container and slid into the retort. Gas jets create a white-hot heat that ignites and burns the body until only bone fragments remain. This process takes approximately 2-3 hours.

After the cremation the bone fragments are further reduced to the consistency of coarse sand. Often called ashes or cremated remains at this stage, they are then sealed in a transparent plastic bag. They can then be placed in an urn, which can then be buried, placed in a niche, taken home or scattered.

Finally, if you choose cremation, keep in mind that it does not limit your ability to spend time with the body or hold a meaningful ceremony. You may have a visitation period and funeral service prior to the cremation. Or your family may spend time privately with the body before cremation followed by a public ceremony later with the urn present.

The Elements of Funeral Ceremonies:

When mere words are inadequate, many people find the ritual of ceremony healing. Consider including some or all of these elements as you plan a funeral ceremony that will be meaningful to you family. Many find that the more elements of ceremony they include, the more healing the funeral.

•  Visitation:

Is a time for family and friends to support one another in their grief. The body is present, allowing you and other the privilege of saying goodbye. Receiving friends activates you support system and allows others to express their concern and love for you.

•  Eulogy

It acknowledges the unique life of the person who died and affirms the significance of that life for all who shared in it. It is the time to give thanks for a person's life and to honor their memory. This is not the time to bring up painful or difficult memories but the good we can find in all people.

You could choose to ask several people to speak and share their memories or have people attending the funeral stand up and share a memory of the person who died.

•  Music:

Is an important part of many social rituals. One of the purposes of music is to help us access our feelings, both happy and sad. During the funeral ceremony, music helps us think about our loss and embrace our painful feeling of grief. Consider music that was meaningful to the person who died or to the family.

•  Memories:

Are the most precious legacy we have after someone has died. The family can choose to provide opportunities for memory sharing beyond the eulogy. Some alternatives include:

Memory Basket , people can write down memories on paper and place them in a basket. Some of these can be read during the eulogy or but on a board for others to read.

Memory Tables or Boards, families can display memorabilia and photos. Physical objects that link mourners to the person who died can be displayed (e.g. photo albums, fishing tackle, or a favorite piece of clothing). Memory tables give mourners a good place to gather and share memories of the person who died.

Memory Letters, family and friends may write a personal letter to the person who died. These letters can then be sealed and placed in the casket or displayed near the casket for mourners to read.

•  Symbols:

Say for us what we could not possibly say in words at this time.

Flowers, represent love and beauty. Accepting flowers from friends is a way of accepting their support.

Food is a way of nurturing mourners and demonstrating their support.

Candles, the flame of a candle represents the spirit. For some, it also represents life's continuation beyond death.

The Body, of the person who died is the ultimate symbol. Whether present in an open or unopened casket, the body serves as a focus for mourners and helps them acknowledge and embrace their pain. A funeral without a few tears is a funeral at which people are repressing their pain.

•  The Procession:

Is a symbol of mutual support and a public honoring of the death. Mourners accompany one another to the final resting place of the person who died/

•  The Gathering or Reception:

Most funerals are followed by a gathering of family and friends. This special and essential time allows yours family and friends to tell stories, to cry, to laugh, to support one another. It is an informal time of release after the more formal elements of the funeral. It is also a rite of passage back to living again. It demonstrates the continuity of life, even in the face of death.